Colors

Colours from Above

I have a thing about monochrome. The kind of beauty that fills me with awe, that staggers me to the point that can’t function for a time, almost always comes in a single shade. It doesn’t matter which. I have long felt that a snow-covered world is the world at its most beautiful, but I think that’s only a sliver of the truth. White is the only color that the dirty, vibrant, complicated modern world I grew up in chooses to paint itself from time to time. I would be just as awed if the skies opened up and bathed the landscape in violet-petals. Or if it was overgrown in a single night in moss, or the bright, distinct blue of a billion empty boxes of Kraft macaroni and cheese.

The same is true of scenes on alien planets where the world is a single stark color. They make me feel both calm and energized. Emotionally fascinated and lulled into a state of unfeeling serenity. My mind and body are very sensitive to stimuli, and single-color scenes are exactly the right kind of overwhelming. And yet, reactions like this are difficult because they are very hard to put into words.

I haven’t explored this much in my writing. I did it at least once, and it’s one of my favorite of my own stories.

An Artist In The Snow

I want to go back there. To that place where there is no line between emotion and color. It’s not the kind of writing I crave, as a rule. I prefer ideas to sensations. But right now I’m out of ideas. Or rather, my ideas all bore me. So here we are. Since this is NaNo month, and I have once again realized that I’m not up for that kind of intensity, I’m going to start a new writing project: Colors.

I don’t know how many stories I am going to write, or how long they will be. But I’m going to do at least one a week for at least five weeks. Each of them will be focused on a single color. Some of them will probably be high concept and others not so much. Some of them will be as somber and self-serious as this post, and others will have more levity, like that picture of ties I put at the top of the post so I didn’t feel so ridiculous. The first time a tie has ever made me feel less ridiculous.

We’ll see what happens.

The Sensitive and the Trickster

Janus

I think I am a Highly Sensitive Person.

I don’t know for sure. I haven’t read the major book on the subject by Dr. Elaine Aron, although now I am going to as of this writing. Inspired by my own blog post! How about that!

I don’t know for sure, but I read an article about it a year or so ago and it was one of those lightning storm in the brain moments. I have a lot of the symptoms, both positive and negative.

I need the volume on the TV to be at a precise level. If it is too loud it overwhelms me and I can’t concentrate, and if it is too low I don’t find it engaging.

Direct sunlight really bothers me. When I was a teenager and we went on car trips I used to often say that I wish you couldn’t actually see the sun. I wished it was just soft, distributed light across the sky. My family made fun of me. It went into the general file of “that’s Jesse!” It was a big file.

I’m also empathetic and highly sensitive to the moods of other people. Especially pain and anxiety. It’s a problem much of the time. I get overwhelmed by my perception of suffering if I focus on it. Sometimes I can’t help it.

The weird thing is, I’m also completely not like that. I don’t care a whole lot about pain. I feel it acutely enough. It’s just that some types of pain don’t bug me that much. It’s even more true for temperature. I usually wear a sweatshirt even in cold weather.

One winter in Massachusetts the only shoes I had were canvas. They wouldn’t have been waterproof at the best of times, but in this case they wouldn’t have been waterproof even if they had been made of mink-oil coated rubber, because the soles were split wide open. We got 2 feet of snow that winter, and when I walked around the snow got right into my shoes. I might as well have been walking barefoot. I didn’t avoid the snow. I often walked through it, in fact, so I could yelp hilarious and put on a big show.

That’s the other thing. Highly sensitive people are supposed to be shy and reserved. They’re supposed to be careful and deliberate about what they say and do. To think before they speak. I know people like that. Or, I should say, I know of them. These are not my people.

Okay, that’s a lie. Some of them are good friends. But I am, to put it mildly, not like that. I value outrageousness as a righteous and desirable quality. I stand up on tables in public dining areas. I’m that guy.

Kind of. I’ve never been able to figure out if I actually am that guy or if I’m just putting it on. I think most of my friends understand that I’m not as much that guy as I act. Or, perhaps, that guy lives inside of me and sometimes he wakes up. Like a wacky version of the Hulk. The Motley Hulk.

I’ve known the real that guy. The fearless, totally self-confident types who don’t question the awesomeness of their own impulses. I envy them, and also I don’t.

The Tricksters. I’ve long wanted to be a Trickster. But empathy stops me up. In college I wanted to really become one, to play pranks and stir up gentile revolutionary chaos. I came up with ideas but I chickened out pulling them off. Not because of fear of consequences. At least, that wasn’t mostly it. It was fear of hurting people. I couldn’t help but think through what might happen and who might suffer. Once I locked the door to a bathroom stall and then crawled underneath to get out, so it would appear occupied but actually be empty. That old chestnut. I was perfectly willing to press my chest to the dirty floor for the sake of a good wheeze.

I laughed, and walked out of the room. Then I felt terrible. What if someone really had to go? I promptly turned around, crawled back under, and fixed my mistake.

I think a lot of people wouldn’t understand why I would want to lock that door. And I think the people who get it wouldn’t understand why I had to go back and fix it. My brother, for example. He’s a true trickster. He does things like send out dramatic letters about personal experiences and tragedies from a fictional persona to random strangers. I think that’s hilarious. But when I mentioned that I would have trouble doing that because it might cause actual harm, he shrugged and said, “Nah, I think it’s not a big deal.”

So I don’t know where I stand. Maybe there are two of me. Maybe I’m not a trickster, but a twin god. Two faced Janus. Gemini. All of those Hindu gods who do stuff like that who I can’t be bothered to look up right now. The Sensitive and the Trickster. One who can’t bear the sun and another who walks barefoot in the snow.

Who is the real me? Is there a real me? An impossible question.

But I’ve got that book now. So, you know, probably I’ll know soon.

Cold, Part 6

 

Barn window

 

Connected

Fortunately, Ed got a lot of practice over the next few weeks. Kristen grabbed him and kissed him or pulled him into empty rooms to do other things seemingly at every opportunity. A few times she came in and took him out of class to have her way with him. None of the teachers reacted, except to tell the class to settle down from murmuring and occasional cheers.

“Do people around here seem to be acting weird?” Marisol asked Ed one day on the walk home.

“How do you mean?”

“Well, have you noticed how everyone at school has been following Kristen around?”

Ed shrugged. “She’s popular.”

“No one’s that popular,” said Marisol. “And before you say anything, no, I am not ‘just jealous.’ You are a bastard for even thinking it.”

The thought hadn’t crossed Ed’s mind.

“Plus,” said Marisol. “You notice how none of them wear shoes?”

“Huh,” said Ed. He had noticed that, but hadn’t really thought about it. “Now that you mention it, that is a little odd.”

It wasn’t just shoes. Many of the people at Okenville High had begun to dress like it was the middle of summer. No coats, no sleeves, no thermal underwear.

“Nurse Klingon said she’s never seen this many cases of frostbite,” said Marisol. “And she’s been to the frozen vacuum of space.”

Ed laughed. Marisol had been on about that for years, but Ed was pretty sure the school nurse wasn’t really a Klingon. Even if she did kind of look like one.

“So it’s weird, right?” said Marisol.

“Yeah,” said Ed. “I guess it is.”

“The question is, what do we do about it?”

Ed didn’t answer, and the conversation lapsed into silence. It seemed Marisol didn’t have any answers to her own question.

For Ed’s part, he didn’t see much need to do anything about it. He was involved with the girl of his dreams. Or he would have been, if he had any dreams. He couldn’t remember the last time he had a dream. And she was, as far as he could tell, crazy about him. He did kind of wish she would see him outside of school. He asked her a few times to dinner or the movies or a walk through the woods. She just smiled, kissed him, and said, “later.”

For now he was willing to take what he could get.

“This is my house,” said Ed when he and Marisol reached the edge of his yard.

“Oh,” said Marisol, shaken out of her reverie. “So it is.” She turned and looked Ed in the eye. “I’m going to figure this out, Ed. When I do, can I count on your help?”

Ed didn’t know whether he wanted anything to do with this. But Marisol had been his best friend his whole life. So what was he supposed to do.

“Of course,” he said. She beamed at him. Then she turned and walked up the road, and was gone.

The evening Kristen came to his house. She knocked on his window as he lay in bed. He just stared at her in shock.

“Well?” she asked. “Are you going to open up?”

“Oh,” he stood up abruptly and hastened to the window. “Sorry.”

“Help me through,” she said as she crawled through the window. He took her by the hand and guided her through. She straightened up on her feet and shook the melted snow from her clothing. She took her jacket off and handed it to Ed, who hung it on the door.

“Are you cold? Do you…do you want something to drink?” asked Ed. “I could get some hot chocolate, or…”

“Listen, Ed,” said Kristen as she began to unbutton her shirt. “I think you’ll agree that this isn’t working.” She bent down and unlaced her boots, and then slipped them off. Then she pulled off her socks, and began to pull her pants down.

“It isn’t?” Ed forced out.

Kristen shook her head. A spray of water flew off her hair and hung in the air like mist. “I’ve been trying and trying, but you keep resisting. So it’s time to try something new. Lay down.” She straddled his prone body and pulled off her unbuttoned shirt.

Clinging to her torso were half a dozen four-inch long scorpions. Their bright orange carapaces glinted in the light of Ed’s bedside lamp like they were next to a roaring fire.

“Don’t move,” Kristen said as pressed her exposed chest down onto his. “They don’t like it when you move.”

Twenty minutes later Kristen was angrily putting on her clothes.

“I don’t know why the fuck you would do this to me,” she said. “After everything I have done for you.”

“What? What did I do?”

“I’m sick and tired of these games. This has to end.”

“What?” Ed said. He tried to put his hand on her shoulder. She batted him away. “Is I them?” he asked. He pointed to the frozen, cracked husks on the ground that so recently were living scorpions. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what…”

“You know.” She grabbed him by the chin and forced him to look into her eyes. Her gaze felt like hot irons pressed into his retinas. It was uncomfortable, but he didn’t pull away. He had no idea what was happening. He had no idea what had happened when those scorpions crawled over him. All he knew was that Kristen was angry, and it was his fault.

“You know,” she said again. “You pretend to be foolish. I’ll have you know I never believed. Not for an instant.” She pushed him away and stepped towards the window. She wrenched it open and began to crawl out.

“Kristen, wait,” Ed said. She didn’t stop.

When she was most of the way through she turned to look at him.

“A reckoning is coming, ‘Ed,’” she spat. “Mark my words. I will have what I was sent to get. One way or another.”

Then she slammed the window. Ed raced forward and opened it. He was going to leap out after her. He was going to follow her and, somehow, convince her to see reason.

But he didn’t. When he looked through the window he couldn’t see her. She was already gone. There was nothing left to show she had been there at all, except melted footprints in the snow.

Seven Icicles, Part One

The Daily Post Weekly Writing Challenge this week is to write something inspired by three photographs. My piece is rather long, so I am going to split it into two, each with three different photographs. So it is two entries, in a sense. Here is the first part.

Icicles

“At the beginning of time,” said the Acolyte, “the Seventh of the Blind Gods created the icicles.”

Silva did not know if she believed in the teachings. She saw the icicles in her dreams. Sometimes she woke up in the night, hot and cold, with spots of wetness on her chest. Like something dripped on her from above. It could not have been icicles. She had never seen an icicle. Not a real one. It was too warm. It was too dry.

Silva wanted desperately to see snow. When it was her turn to go out on the water collections, she wandered deeper into the Scoured Wastes than anyone else would go, to find the special caves. The caves with the colored walls like broken glass. She would wander deeply into them, mesmerized by the colors they gave off when she shined her electric torch at them. The first time inside she ran through her battery allotment for the whole month, just to point the torch and watch the colors dance.

She loved the air in there, too. It was soft, somehow. Soft and rich, with a scent like the piles of food waste gave off if they were large enough and she overturned them before they dried out. Only sweeter. When she returned to the Settlement from that first trip, all she wished was to go back to the caves as soon as she could. Maybe, deep inside, there would be snow. Nan was impressed Silva had filled all of her water pods, but very cross about the batteries. As punishment, Nan told Silva to go sleep as she could, because she would be on the next water collection the following morning.

Silva acted suitably stung by the admonition. Inside she brimmed with delight. Her lie to the Workmaster made Silva feel sooty and stained, but also thrilled. Even the paltry half lie was the first time Silva had ever engaged in deception. It was the first time she had ever sinned.

It would not be the last.

Desert Judee 03

“The icicles stayed frozen for eon upon eon, age upon age,” the Acolyte droned on. “Past the War of the Chitinous, through the Great Sleep Beneath, long into the Age of Living Dust the icicles froze on. Not until the Dawning, when the betrayal of the First of the Blind Gods by his children evoked his anger and caused him to cry the sky aflame, did the icicles begin to melt. They melted, and their water dripped down onto the earth, and became the blood of the First People.”

There was no ice, anymore. And no blood. In all of the stories Silva had read in words or seen in moving pictures, when people cut themselves thick red liquid poured forth. Silva believed for far too long that the same was true of herself, and the others. Perhaps she was lucky to be so sheltered from anything that could hurt her, back then, when she was too young to venture into the wastes for water or biomass. The first time her skin broke it was by her own hand.

She wanted to know what was inside of her. Melor, the physicker, would not tell her. He said she was too young to worry about such things. So she dropped an empty bottle from the top of Ilor’s Spire, ran down, and picked up the jagged pieces. She sliced along her wrist, like the desperate heroines from the stories when they lost their loves. Only dust poured forth. Red speckled dust. It was too dry, even for blood to flow.

Blood drop

“The blood within the People was warm, and its flow spoke like the babble of a river,” the Acolyte’s voice filled the air, “it whispered secrets woven of light and shadow, color and shade. Secrets known only to the Gods, who could not comprehend them, for they could not see. The blood whispered, and the People listened.”

After the fifth time Silva returned from the water collections with her water pods full, Nan rewarded her with extra tokens, which could be used for more biomass for food, or more batteries for her devices, or to buy off tasks and gain more discretionary time. Silva’s three sisters cornered her in the library, armed with sting wands. They demanded to know her secret.

She tried to lie to them, to tell them there was no secret. But they stung her until she relented, and told them about the far ends of the wastes, and the caves with the crystal walls that were so rich in moisture. They scoffed at her. No one could travel that far into the Wastes. They would dry and shrivel, and the winds would pick clean their bones. No doubt they would have stung her further, had Anka, the keeper of the books, not wandered in just them. The sisters hid their wands, and told Silva they would return.

Silva spent all of her tokens on batteries, more batteries than she had ever had before. On the next water collection she went straight to the caves, and did not return for days. At first she was not sure she would ever return. But she realized quickly that was folly. These caves had enough biomass to feed her forever, but eventually her converter would run out of batteries. So would her torch. She would be left starving, in the dark, without even the dancing lights.

But she knew she could stay here for a long time, and have batteries to spare. She wanted to wander more deeply in the cave than she ever had before. Last time, along a particular pathway, she thought she heard music. This time she would find it.

As she traveled in and down the broken-glass stones jutting from the walls grew thicker, and sharper, and even more beautiful. Silva cut herself several times. The red dust from her wound mingled with a rivulet of water on the floor. Was this what blood looked like? Silva stared down at it for a long time, lost in elation. It was all she could do not to open up both of her arms, and pour her life forth onto the wet stone beneath. She shook herself from her reverie, and traveled on.

When she found the music, she realized she had been hearing it for hours and not realized. It wasn’t music. It was something else. This was to music as a drawing in the sand with a stick was to one of Anka’s metal carvings. Music was pretty for a moment, and then was gone. This was breathtaking, and forever. Silva raced towards it. She had to crawl over the sharp colored stones, now. They nearly filled the tunnels. Silva crawled through them for hours, as they took toll for her passage with their sharp edges. She didn’t care. The sound grew louder, and Silva was laughing by the time she reached it.

She emerged into a large passage. The music raged in her ears, chaotic and loud. The air was very wet, here, and very cold. As cold as the nights in the Wastes, or colder still. Silva walked towards the music. She did not have to walk far. She shined her torch ahead, and saw it. A great raging torrent of water, longer across than she was tall. She knew what it was from the stories and the pictures. With glee, she raced towards it. Something crunched under her feet.

She reached down to touch it. It was cold, and dry. No, wet. Dry for a moment, like powder, and then wet like water between her fingertips. Realization flooded into Silva so suddenly she nearly drowned. Beneath her feet, the ground was covered in snow. Where had it come from? Didn’t snow fall from the sky? Had she wandered outside, through the caves and into another world sliced open with cold rivers and covered in snow?

Silva look upward expecting to see sky, or even stars, but there was just darkness. She shined her torch up, but the colored stone extended all the way to the top. The ceiling was even more beautiful  than in the rest of the cave. The light from her torch bounced off the edges onto the river, which scattered it all around her. If she angled it just right, Silva could see quite well. Over there, the river disappeared into an opening in the far way. And over there the stones were rounded, and the colors homogenized into a hundred shades of blue. And over there…Silva gasped and dropped her torch. She picked it up again, and pointed. She did not want to believe her eyes, but they had never lied to her before. They were there. As sure as she was.

Just on the other side of the river, jutting like glass teeth from an outcropping of stone, there hung seven jagged and terrible icicles.

Part two.

Trackbacks & Pingbacks

  1. Weekly Photo Challenge: Abandoned, 03.03.14 | Markie’s Daily Blog
  2. The More | field of thorns
  3. Dreams Insult My Intelligence | Bumblepuppies
  4. Pillow talk | Never Stationary
  5. stone | FamousFeline
  6. Weekly Writing Challenge: Threes | A mom’s blog
  7. Smile | The Seeker’s Dungeon
  8. Threes: Haikus from Pictures! | Blue Loft
  9. Winter Storm Titan Haikus | Fish Of Gold
  10. A Tribute to my Mum – the Unbeatable Woman | Dreams Will Catch You
  11. Confession About My Boy Band Obsession | Embracing the Journey
  12. Weekly Writing Challenge: Threes – Tori Sinks with the Sun | Just Be V
  13. Gone with the Waves | Artfully Aspiring
  14. It’s In The Lost & Found | Lead us from the Unreal to the Real
  15. Spring’s here! | Scent of Rina
  16. Haiku X 3 | Musings of a Soul Eclectic
  17. Do You Have Silver Ties? | Home’s Cool!
  18. Friends far away | Nagoonberry
  19. House in three photos! | Scrapydodog
  20. Weekly Writing Challenge: Threes – Long walks and dark chocolate
  21. The Road Maps of Life | Lifestyle | WANGSGARD
  22. If anybody asks, you didn’t see me. | Trucker Turning Write
  23. Coach Athlete | The Wind Beneath Their Arms
  24. Weekly Writing Challenge: Threes~~Sheila’s Poem |
  25. Blue Boredom Tape Men: Battle of the Pepsi graveyard | The Bohemian Rock Star’s “Untitled Project”
  26. Natasha’s Challenge | Mary J Melange
  27. abandoned, broken, and dreaming | memoirs of an unremarkable man
  28. The Simple Pleasures | Outmanned
  29. Iditarod Trail Invitational | pencil me in
  30. Innermission | The Shady Tree
  31. A Tale of Two Worlds | Victoria.K.Gallagher

An Artist in the Snow

Watermelon Snow & Mountains

37, day eighteen.

This is a story I just wrote. I love this kind of imagery, but it’s only recently that I can take an image in my head and make it into a story. It’s kind of a big deal for me. Anyway, here it is.

Avelia once killed a man in the dead of winter to watch the way his blood cascaded onto the snow. She stood over the body for over an hour, as her fingers numbed and her tears froze to her face. As she regarded the stark play of crimson on white, she knew that she was an artist. She went back to her apartment, and turned off every source of heat. She turned the thermostats all the way down, turned off all of the lights, and opened the windows. There was something inside of her. A feeling. She could not let it melt. It was like a small creature made of ice and edges nestled in her chest. It cut her organs and chilled her blood. She cursed the feeling. She treasured it.

The whiteness from the snow through the windows was blinding. Avelia did not want to see too clearly. To see clearly is to be deceived. She pulled out a blank canvas, and placed it near the window. She retrieved the expensive professional-quality acrylics her grandfather bought her for her birthday. She gathered everything but the red, the white, and the black. She squeezed them into the toilet until they were empty, then flushed them away. Then she covered the canvas in black, and waited for it to dry. Avelia removed all of her clothing, and stared.

She stared at the black canvas for a long time. Wind whipped in from outside and sliced into her exposed flesh. Her head began to ache from the cold, and her extremities started to burn. Tears streamed from her eyes and turned to ice. The creature inside of her stretched and wriggled.

When it was too much, she grabbed her brushes, and began to paint. Ten minutes later, it was done. It was perfect. It was battle laid out on the canvas, between the violence of white and the desperate serenity of crimson. The white wished to smother the world. The crimson wished only to escape from its cage of flesh, and mingle with the earth beneath. Somewhere, not so far away, a body cooled, and the crimson that once flowed within it was free.

It was December. The day before Christmas.

Two weeks later, Avelia brought her painting to show the other students. She called it “The Rage of Crimson and White.” The other students were stunned. The teacher said barely a word. After class, he pulled Avelia aside and told her he had never seen such work from a student. He asked if he could show her painting to an art critic friend who was visiting from New York. Avelia smiled, and agreed.

The next day, the art critic invited Avelia to dinner, to discuss her work. The critic ordered a bottle of vintage Bordeaux, and told Avelia that she could spot talent when she saw it. She saw it now. Avelia ordered a dry-aged steak, seared on the outside and bloody on the inside, and listened. The critic said she wanted to bring the Rage of Crimson and White back with her, to be displayed in an opening of student art from around the world. Avelia grinned widely, and agreed.

In the next two weeks, Avelia painted twice more. Two more masterpieces. Avelia was careful. Her working materials were never found. Her teacher stopped giving her assignments, and told her to keep painting. He was astounded at what could be done with only red and white.

A prominent art magazine wrote a review of the world student art exhibit. It spoke of each of the artists in the show. Mostly it spoke of a single piece. The reviewer said it was perhaps the most important painting he had seen in years. It captured something raw and real he thought artists could no longer tap into. Avelia received a phone call the next day from the critic who had her piece. She wanted to run a show of Avelia’s art. How many pieces did she have? Just three, said Avelia.

She could make more.

Avelia’s show opened as winter melted into spring. It made the school paper, but only the second page. The front page story had been the same for several issues. No one knew where so many students had gone. Many of them were scared. Avelia was not there to read it.

The art critic flew her out to her opening, and bought her a white dress with a designer label. Avelia’s grandfather wrote to her to say he was busy and could not attend, but he sent a sapphire necklace for her to wear with her dress. She sold it immediately. She wanted nothing from him. With the money, she bought a different necklace. A different stone, of a different color, against the white.

The opening was a success, as she knew it would be. Her paintings were flawless. By the end of the first night half of the paintings had sold. Two weeks later, the rest had sold as well. All except one. The Rage of Crimson and white could belong to no one but Avelia.

Avelia did not go back to school. There was nothing more for her there. It was too small. Not enough people. Eventually, she would be noticed. She rented an apartment outside of New York City, and spent her days commuting in and wandering through the art galleries and museums. She called her grandfather and told him she would not need his money anymore. He laughed at her. She told him how much she had made selling her paintings. In the silence that followed, Avelia told him he would not be contacted again, and hung up the phone.

She did interview after interview. They wanted to know what drove her, what inspired her. She quoted Picasso. She quoted Duchamp. She told them something straight from her introduction to painting textbook. They seemed satisfied. One writer was amazed at how quickly she had produced such amazing work. She told him she could always find inspiration, if she went looking for it. They always ended with the same question. What is next for Avelia? She told them she woulds start painting again, next year. They were amazed. Was she taking a break? Was she not painting now? She gave them all the same answer, always in the same words.

“I am only an artist in the snow.”