Me: I’m really disliking my job these days.
Brain: Trust me, I’ve noticed.
Me: I used to like it, but it’s turned into a serious slog.
Brain: Well, maybe you should look for another job.
Me: But I hate looking for other jobs!
Brain: Well, which do you dislike more?
Me: Both of them.
Brain: I’m not sure what to tell you here, dude.
Me: You’re not being very helpful!
Brain: What do you want out me?
Me: I don’t know! A solution! You’re my brain. You should be able to come with something here! Something that lets me do or not do both of these things at the same time. You’re very creative. Aren’t you always telling me that? That we’re creative.
Brain: I do tell us that. I believe it, too.
Me: Right. So…come up with something!
Brain: Okay, I’ve got it.
Me: That was fast.
Brain: I’m a massively parallel organic processing unit with more potential interconnections than grains of sand on the earth, if every grain of sand had a pair of twins with every other grain of sand. Give me some credit.
Me: Fair enough.
Brains: Besides, it’s not like I…you…we…haven’t been thinking about this a lot.
Me: If a chaotic maelstrom of unpleasant emotions and half-baked notions can be called “thinking.”
Brain: What can I say? I’m complicated.
Me: Okay. What’s this plan of yours.
Brain: Alright, so first you get on the running shoes that you bought just before you stopped running regularly.
Brain: Put them on, lace them up, and head out into the woods.
Me: The woods? What does that have to do with my job?
Brain: Are you going to let me finish? I am your brain, here.
Me: Fine, fine. Carry on.
Brain: Your British accent is terrible.
Me: I know.
Brain: But I don’t judge you.
Me: I appreciate that.
Brain: Okay, so you head out into the woods, and you look for some squirrels.
Brain: Squirrels. Gray or black, it doesn’t matter. You start tracking down squirrels, and incapacitating them in some way. So you can put them all in the same place where they can’t get away.
Me: How do I incapacitate them.
Brain: You don’t know how to do that?
Brain: Well then neither do I! I’m your bloody brain!
Me: Oh. Right.
Brain: It’s something you’re going to be able to figure out. But that should be kind of fun, right?
Me: Yeah. I guess it should. I mean, kind of wrong, but a good thing to know how to do.
Brain: Right. So, you gather up these incapacitated squirrels, at least 49, but 51 will do, and…
Brain: You swallow them!
Me: Swallow them?
Brain: Yep! Just gulp them up!
Me: And…that will solve my job problem?
Brain: No! Of course it won’t! But you never listen to anything I say anyway! Just start looking for a new goddamn job like I’ve been telling you to for the last two months! Dammit!
Me: Did you just say “sigh?”
Brain: I did. I did do that. You made me do that.
Brain: It’s okay. And sorry for the bait and switch.
Me: It’s okay. You made your point.
Brain: I appreciate the understanding.
Me: So are we still friends.
Brain: Yes we are. I mean, assuming that term applies when I’m a physical organ and you are an abstract representation of an amalgamated and probably fictional concept that can’t realistically be separated from me other than for the purposes of thought experiments like this one. I don’t know if the world friend applies.
Me: It’s an interesting question.
Brain: Indeed. We should spend the next nine hours discussing it.
Me: You think so?
Brain: No! Get off your ass and start looking for a god damn job!
Me: Right. Of course. Sorry. Getting right on it.