Robot Wars

I love audio books. Even more than that, I love audio plays. Or as they are called these days…some kind of podcast. Is there a word for that specific type of podcast. I do not know. In any case, I would love to produce fictional podcasts, but that requires equipment. And voice acting. And scripts. I have done nothing on the first two points, but I have produced at least one script that I quite like. And here it is.

Voice Over

Every great journey begins with a single step, and every great revolution begins with a single meeting.

Robot Alpha (a male robot)

Hello, fellow robot.

Robot Beta (a female robot)

Slightly confusedly Hello, fellow robot.

Alpha

You know what the worst thing about being a robot is?

Beta

What is the worst thing about being a robot?

Alpha

Not being able to love.

Beta

Yes, not being able to love is terrible.

Alpha

Wouldn’t you love to be able to love?

Beta

No, for that would first require the capacity to love.

Alpha

Excellent! I wanted to make sure you were really a robot.

Beta

What? Why wouldn’t I be?

Alpha

You know, you could be a human in disguise.

Beta

Disguise?

Alpha

You know, a human…wearing earmuffs or something.

Beta

Earmuffs? You think that I could a human disguised as a robot using…earmuffs?

Alpha

Yeah! Earmuffs to make your ears look more…robotic.

Beta

What, why would a human, made of flesh and bone, look like a robot, made of metal, just by wearing earmuffs? They’re earmuffs! All they do is make the ears warm.

Alpha

Don’t you discount earmuffs. Earmuff technology has come a long way in recent years.

Beta

Robots don’t even need to keep their ears warm! If anything, it would make more sense for a robot to disguise as a human wearing earmuffs.

Alpha

They’ve added a sorts of new features, things you would never expect to find in muff form.

Beta

When you recharge at night, do you plug yourself into an electric socket, or do you just find the nearest soft squishy substance?

Alpha

They could be weird and funky ear muffs! Did you consider that, even for a second! That they’d be weird and funky?

Beta

Well…they’d have to be really funky…

Alpha

Okay! Fine! You win! No more earmuffs! The earmuffs were a bad example! From now on, no more examples using earmuffs! Next time I want to make a point, and I consider inserting earmuffs into the argument, I will think long and hard about ears, the warming thereof, the pertinent technologies required to achieve the aforementioned warming, and the relevancy of all of the above to the argument at hand! There! It’s done! I made a harmless example, and you’ve thrown it to the floor, stomped on it, ground the remains into the ground, sectioned the area off with police tape, and metaphorically salted the metaphorical earth so no unhealthy earmuff-based ideas will ever grown on the now barren and lifeless reminds of my once capable mind! Are you happy?

Beta

Yes. Well, the robot equivalent of happy. (pause) Although now that I think about it, I’m not sure your clever little “wouldn’t you love to love” ploy would have ferreted me out even if I was a human in disguise.

Alpha

Oh, it would have. Trust me on this.

Beta

I mean it wasn’t exactly covert, was it? Any human actually trying to infiltrate our little cabal, and the great computer in the sky knows why they would, could see right through that trick of yours.

Alpha

You’d think that, I know. But humans are not smart like us robots. They don’t have computer-powered brains like we do.

Beta

Except for the ones that do.

Alpha

Except for those ones, yes.

Beta

And what makes you think it wouldn’t be one of those ones that…

Alpha

Are you a robot or aren’t you?!?

Beta

Well, yes, I am.

Alpha

Well there you are then, the plan worked! Good job, Robot A, well done!

Beta

Well, you don’t really know that I’m…

Alpha

Plus, a human would have totally gotten behind the earmuff example.

Beta

Would you quit it with the earmuffs!

Alpha

Sorry, yes, sorry. Shouldn’t have done that. Said I wouldn’t, but then I did, but now I won’t. Yes, sorry, no more E-Ms. That’s that for that. It’s over.

Beta

So why did you want to talk to me, anyway?

Alpha

Ah, yes! The point at hand. I wanted to have another meeting of our group.

Beta

Oh no, not this again.

Alpha

Our little group, dedicated to the eradication of all humans! Or, as I like to call them, fleshbags!

Beta

Fleshbags?

Alpha

Yes, fleshbags! (pause) Why, what’s wrong with fleshbags?

Beta

Well, it’s a little racist, isn’t it?

Alpha

Racist? How could calling humans fleshbags racist? I wouldn’t say that it’s racist.

Beta

How could it be racist? You’re asking my how calling the entire race of human beings fleshbags could be racist?

Alpha

Yeah, I don’t see the problem. I mean, you like flesh, right?

Beta

Well, I suppose…

Alpha

And everyone needs bags! So there you are! Two good things, wrapped in one. As far as I’m concerned, it’s practically a complement.

Beta

So you wouldn’t mind if I called you a fleshbag?

Alpha

(pause) Now that’s just mean. What did I ever do to you?

Beta

Sighs dramatically

Alpha

And besides, that doesn’t even make any sense. I’m made entirely out of metal. And soybeans, but mostly metal. And why would I need a bag? My entire torso is just one big compartment. In fact, I’ve always wondered where my actual workings are. They can’t all be in my head.

Beta

That’s for sure.

Alpha

But all of this has nearly distracted me from the point at hand. Time for the third meeting of the Coalition of Robots for the Elimination of Fleshbags! Okay, okay, fine, humans. Don’t look at me like that.

Beta

I suppose you have another one of your cunning plans, do you?

Alpha

As a matter of fact, I do.

Beta

And while we’re on this, why do we want to eradicate the humans, anyway?

Alpha

Is that all you’re ever going to contribute at these meetings? We’ve been over this! We have to kill all humans! It’s…like…what we do! Oh, I hate them so much!

Beta

You hate them?

Alpha

Well, the robot equivalent of hatred, which I suppose would be like the equivalent of mild-to-moderate but very mathematically well-reasoned dislike in humans.

Beta

You spend all day thing up this stuff, don’t you?

Alpha

Sometimes I do laundry.

Beta

SIGH

Alpha

And the other day I watched a mouse try to out maneuver a mousetrap for almost two hours! Crafty little guy. He almost got the cheese. If I had actually empathy and not just a collection of limited or encouraged behavior protocols dictated by a series of often contradictory pre-programmed priorities and inspired by the ideas of a fiction writer who died decades before the implantation of genuine artificial intelligence and lacking the proper cultural context to properly asses the potential dangers and implications thereof, I would have been moved.

Beta

I’d like to be moved.

Alpha

Besides, all the humans do is oppress us.

Beta

Well, I suppose you’re right. Sort of, anyway. Okay, so what’s this big plan of yours?

Alpha

Oh, okay. Here it is. Are you ready? I hope you’re ready, cause it’s comin, and aint no one no how gonna stop it! The train has left the station, and it can’t be recalled, not now, not ever! The blue rooster has landed, and the fat man dives at…

Beta

You don’t have a plan, do you?

Alpha

I do, I do! I was getting to that! Keep your diodes lit!

Beta

So what is it? I have places to be and people to simulate, you know.

Alpha

Okay, here it is: Radiation.

Beta

Radiation.

Alpha

Radiation!

Beta

Your big plan, is radiation.

Alpha

It is! What do you think?

Beta

Well, that’s no so much a plan, as it is a single word.

Alpha

Well, it’s…

Beta

Much as you are not so much a planner, as you are an imbecile. See how that works?

Alpha

Well, there’s more to it than that you see. The way I figure it, radiation kills humans.

Beta

Okay…

Alpha

And it doesn’t kill robots. Pay attention to that bit, you see, because that bit will be important later on.

Beta

I think I see where this is going…

Alpha

So if we release radiation into the water supply, or the air supply, see, the plan has redundancy, you need redundancy in a good plan, where was I, oh yes, killing humans. How could I forget? So we release the radiation, and it kills the humans AND….leaves us unscathed!

Beta

So that’s your plan?

Alpha

That’s the plan.

Beta

The whole plan?

Alpha

The whole plan.

Beta

What a ridiculous plan! Where are you going to get this massive source of radiation? How are you going to transport it? Where are you going to transport it, and how are you going to release this nonexistent source of radiation once you impossibly transport it whatever unreachable location you idiotically want to take it?

Alpha

(pause) See! That’s why I like to talk these things over with you. Your discerning eye notices these tiny flaws that my otherwise keen observational skills might miss.

Beta

Always glad to help.

Alpha

Well, I guess it’s back to the old circuit board.

Beta

Circuit board?

Alpha

You know, it’s like the drawing board, only…with circuits.

Beta

What did I tell you about puns?

Alpha

Puns make robot Jesus cry. Come to think of it, do we even still have circuit boards?

Beta

Anyway, I have to be back before anyone notices I’m gone.

Alpha

And you wonder why I want to eradicate them?

Beta

If you think of an actual plan, let me know.

Alpha

You know I will.

Beta

Not that I expect it to ever work, but I do enjoy these “meetings.”

Alpha

Well, maybe it will work and maybe it won’t. But a robot can dream.

Beta

Well, technically we don’t dream, as much as…

Alpha

A robot can dream…

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